So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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