I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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