I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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