I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
