aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
