I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
