I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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