where does the pee come out of this thing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
