He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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