I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
