The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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