You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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