Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
