like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
