awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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