My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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