i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
