3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
