We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
