My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
