Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
