The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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