What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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