Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
