no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
