just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
