You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
