your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
