ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
