Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
love makes seman taste better
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
