Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
