new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
