I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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