I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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