I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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