I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's just like the Real World with babies
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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