Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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