turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
