I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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