At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
