is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
