I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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