My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
