my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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