You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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