my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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