Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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