I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
there is puke in my bra ... again
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
