I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
