he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
