i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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