If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
