I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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