If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Randomize
