My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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