Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
