my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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