I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
